Our Haywire Honeymoon: The Rest

If you’re just hopping into the story now, don’t forget to catch up in part 1! Our Haywire Honeymoon: Day 1

It’s an unbelievable feeling to wake up and be greeted by paradise. We had the whole week ahead of us, and Jacob and I were going to soak in every last second of sunshine and sweet love on our honeymoon.

We did a pit stop at a grandiose breakfast buffet before hitting up the beach. My first thought, “MIMOSAS!” I poured my first glass and spooned some fruit onto a plate and sat down… but only for five seconds, because I needed another mimosa. Early morning speed drinking might not be my sport, because as I poured my second glass, the bottle hit my champagne flute, smashing it into one million pieces. Good start.

After breakfast, we found two chairs nestled under a sea of palm trees and decided that this was the perfect spot for some relaxation. We pulled out our young adult fantasy fiction and embraced the scenery and serenity.

A hotel worker kept frozen, coconut drinks coming and it was perfect. After awhile, we decided to eat a little lunch and take on our ultimate mission of the day, finding pants for Jacob. We were directed to shops on the resort and we sifted through them until we finally spotted men’s linen pants. They were see through, had a drawstring, and were $90, but Jacob deemed them his “vacation pants” and really embraced the island look.

(Vacation pants)

While we were shopping, my stomach began to churn. “Jake, I don’t feel great.” We chalked it up to day drinking and the sun, and kept it moving. I mean, it’s not like I drank the water… but what about all those frozen drinks?

That evening we had a spectacular, special honeymoon dinner and Jacob proudly wore his pants. We even had shots they lit on fire! And man, did they burn going down! (See what I did there?) After dinner, we hit up another show and then called it a night. The entire evening, my stomach never felt quite right.

Once we were back to the room, it hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m going to be sick!” I ran to the bathroom and became violently ill. All the things were happening. And then I remembered that two measly pieces of glass were all that separated me from my new husband, who I was trying to keep the romance alive with. I looked up and saw him, not peering in at me, but just the fact that I would see him and also my disheveled self made me wildly embarrassed. “JAKE! You have to sit on the floor! Just please sit on the floor! No questions!”

For the rest of the week, we ordered a lot of room service, played Rummy in the hotel room, and stayed at the pool closest to our room “in case of an emergency”. By day five, Jacob no longer needed to sit on the floor, but instead we were able carry on full conversations through the two panes of glass. Really brought us together.

(I’m sick here. Jacob apparently thought it was a good photo op.)

Because we kept it low key the rest of our trip, we never saw the couple who blew us off again. I mean, it’s probably for the best. I’m sure they wouldn’t have appreciated the level of comfort we were displaying in our room anyway.

When the week came to an end, we were sad to leave paradise, but so happy to head home and back to our life as newlyweds, where the water was clean and the bathrooms were private. We took the death shuttle back to the airport and had an easy flight home. Jacob’s brother, Luke, picked us up from the airport and we experienced a car trip equally as terrifying as that of the resort shuttle. Finally we were in the comfort of our own bathroom… I mean home.

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