Potty training is basically just one gigantic, for lack of a better term, shit show. So many “stages” and “phases” and “setbacks.” Any reservations you once had about cleaning human feces off the floor, need to be flushed down the toilet, because you’re about to deal with a crapload.

Before beginning the process, I made sure I had the right supplies on hand.

1. Industrial sized paper towels

2. Disinfectant spray

3. Rubber gloves

4. Multiple toilet options (training toilet, children’s toilet seat, actual toilet)

5. Underwear featuring princesses.

6. Diapers for when I give up.

I also waited until her third birthday, because experts say you should wait until their third birthday. Just kidding, it was because I had to mentally prepare myself for an entire calendar year. I just wasn’t quite ready to hear someone screaming, “I HAVE TO POOP!” in the middle of Target while I’m tryna get my Joanna Gaines on.

Once we got down to business, Ceci made the switch over pretty much the same day… which made me super cocky. “That was so friggin easy! Piet! Get over here! It’s time for big boy underwear!” I sincerely regret those words.

Hour 1: He pooped in his underwear.

Hour 2: He stood at the top of the stairs and peed down them.

Hour 3: He wore diapers again.

Hour 4: He took off his diaper because “I want big boy underwear!” and pooped on the floor.

Then there was the time Ceci went to the bathroom alone, and I was busy taking care of the others. Minutes later, I realized she was still missing. I rushed to the bathroom, because I KNEW something was going down. And, going down, it was. She pulled a tampon applicator out of the trash, was sucking toilet water up into the empty chamber, and spraying it all over the bathroom walls. Should I be angry? Should I be proud? How innovative! How disgusting!

After that jarring incident, we had to put a childproof knob back on the bathroom door. Now every time she has to pee, I am forced to drop everything and personally escort her.

In closing, here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. Turns out experts are right, three must be the magic number.

2. Never underestimate the lengths your child will go to spread germs.

3. Always assume your child is playing in the toilet water.

4. Boys can pee very far at an elevated height.

I know there are tons of awesome potty training stories out there, and I want to hear all the messy details. Let’s hear them!

2 thoughts on “Poops-A-Daisy”

  1. Okay you asked for it. Jess my youngest was under the gun to get into a specific daycare. When i found out i was going to have another baby i was put on the list. So i get a call that Jess can start 6 months earlier than I had asked. But, and here it the but, she had to be potty trained. Here is where this mother’s mind goes in to turbo. How am I going to get my child potty trained in 3 days to start daycare? Bright idea came to me. I went out to the store and got lollipops. I put them in a large basket and every time she had to go to the bathroom she got a lollipop, simple right. Ha, well the first day it was 10 lollipops, the 2nd day it was 8. Now understand even if she did not go i gave her a lollipop. In my mind well she is getting ready to go. On the third day Jess came to me and said Mommy, I have to go to the potty but do i have to take a lollipop? yes it was extreme, and from the third day on she went to the potty and she required no lollipops again. Not one of my proudest moments but it worked. lol

    Liked by 1 person

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